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One feature of civilized life is "elevator eyes". This describes how we avert other people's gaze when we are in a confined space. This doesn’t just happen in elevators; we tend to walk in the city without making eye contact with other people.
The usual explanation is that we feel crowded, we all need a certain amount of "territory", and we make space for others by not looking into "their" territory. In this article, I want to introduce another element. I want to pay attention to the kind of way we look at other people, and feel looked at by other people. There is a way of looking at other people that is invading and judgmental. And there is a way of looking at people that is gentle and accepting.
During this season, as people wish each other “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”, chances are you’ll be noticing more eye contact. Perfect strangers can smile at each other, in an elevator, in a shop, in the street... It’s the same city you’ve been living in the rest of the year, and the same people who live in this city. But something changes in the way people perceive the presence of others: T'is the season for people to engage with each other in a happier, friendlier way.
You expect this in the festive atmosphere of the holiday season. But this kind of engagement is not just brought about by happy times. Sometimes, it is a reaction to difficult times. For instance, it is the kind of camaraderie that occurs during, say, a subway strike in New York City. On a broader scale: large catastrophes often inspire us to have a sense of bonding with our fellow citizens, or our fellow human beings in general.
What I am talking about in this article is the way in which we can shift from a guarded sense to a warm, open sense toward other people. I am inviting you to observe the subtle differences between feeling looked at in an invasive and judgmental way, and feeling looked at in a gentle and accepting way. I'm also inviting you to observe the difference between when you are looking at people in a judgmental way, and when you are looking at people in a warm and accepting way.
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