Psychological effects & long term effects of divorce: Children of divorced families

If life was as video, and if it was possible to fast-forward the video... let's imagine that you could fast-forward to the year 2029. Your child is now about 30 years old. Today, your adult child is sitting in a therapist’s office, trying to unravel issues such as difficulties with relationship, and a pervasive sense of guilt.

Little by little, as the therapy progresses, a picture emerges of what life was for the child around 2009, in the midst of your divorce. The sense of chaos and confusion. The sense that, somehow, the child was responsible.

Oh yes, both parents were very reassuring, repeating that it was not the child's fault! But, as a child, what do you conclude when you hear your parents constantly fighting about who spends time with the child, who takes care of this or that need of the child, who pays for this or that part of the child's expenses? The message is clear: "All of this fighting is about me. I'm the one causing problems." That's pretty bad, isn't it? And it happens even when you're well-intentioned, when you're trying to protect the child.

Some people see this as an argument against divorce. Well, of course, it is much better to be the child of a happy, safe and secure family than the child of a family destroyed by a bitterly confrontational divorce! But the answer is less simple when you and your spouse are not working out as a couple... So it may very well be that divorcing is an acceptable option.

What's important, then, is to think about the effects the divorce will have on your child. To not just say the right words to your child, but to also behave in such a way that your child doesn't draw the conclusion that all this drama is actually, in some way, the child's fault.

Divorced parents who love their kids don't use them as pawns to hurt one another. The children have been hurt enough.

--Ann Landers

Children usually feel a lot of pain and inner conflict during and after divorce.

Kids often feel responsible for the break-up of the marriage - even more so when they see that so much of the fighting is about them (child custody, visitation, child support).

Children would love nothing better than to be loyal to both parents. Unfortunately, in many adversarial divorces, they feel a lot of pressure to side with one parent or another.

Whether or not your children say it or show it, you can be sure they are deeply affected by the divorce and the struggles around it.

See also: Divorce with integrity