A Conversation between Sanford L. Braver, Ph.D. and Diane O'Connell
Diane:
How should parents break the news of the divorce to their children?
Sanford Braver:
Both parents should tell your child together. Most young children won’t
have much understanding of divorce. Their concern is what it will mean
for them. It’s vital that you make sure your child knows that
he will be taken care of and that he will have two parents. Children
who are old enough to have some understanding of divorce are prone to
feel it’s their fault, that they did something bad to cause the
breakup. You need to reassure your child that nothing he did caused
the divorce and nothing he can do will prevent it. And repeat this message
throughout the transition period. Just saying it once and assuming your
child is okay isn’t enough.
Diane:
What custody arrangement is best for children?
Dr. Braver:
Our research strongly supports joint legal custody for several reasons,
the most important being that it helps children adjust better to the
divorce. Joint legal custody, which gives both parents equal say in
decisions regarding their child’s welfare, sends the message to
mother, father and child that both parents are caring for and watching
out for the child’s needs. It also helps the custodial parent
by giving her some relief from being the sole provider, allowing her
time to devote to her personal and professional needs.
Diane:
What about visitation?
Dr. Braver:
It’s important that children get substantial time with both parents.
For children over age three, that might mean two to three days with
one parent and four to five with another. Very young children, on the
other hand, cannot tolerate long periods of time away from their primary
parent. In that case, it may be better to have more frequent, shorter
visits.
Diane:
What if hostilities between parents are very high?
Dr. Braver:
It’s imperative for the child’s sake that parents put down
the swords and lances and work to establish a civil relationship —
now matter how difficult that may be. Research shows that the outcome
of divorce for children can be either detrimental or it can be minimal.
Much of that outcome is in the parents’ control. It helps to know
that in time, hostilities will lessen. But in the beginning, when the
divorce is still new, it takes an active power of will to put those
differences aside.
Diane:
How do divorced parents inadvertently hurt their kids?
Dr. Braver:
They put their children in the middle of loyalty conflicts. An off-hand
remark such as, “you’re just like your father” when
your child has done something bad, or badmouthing the other parent,
or letting your child witness displays of anger toward the other parent
all hurt children. Parents can be quite successful punishing each other
by manipulating their child, but they’ve lost the big war because,
they’ve used their child as a guided missile, and that missile
will ultimately blow up in their face.
Diane:
What myth about divorce has hurt children the most?
Dr. Braver:
The biggest myth is that dad is going to disappear and be irresponsible.
This hurts children because there is no effort made to keep the father
involved. In fact, very often he is pushed out of his kid’s life.
Our research found that if mom wants dad involved and communicates that,
he’ll get the message. He’ll be a good father, and in some
cases, he may even be a better father than he was prior to the divorce.
That may be because the loss of daily contact with their child is devastating
to fathers and they’ll do everything in their power to remain
an active part of their child’s life.
Diane:
Is there any such thing as a “good divorce?”
Dr. Braver:
Absolutely. Many courts now order divorcing parents into classes, which
appear to be successful in promoting cooperative co-parents who put
their children’s interests ahead of their own hostilities. Also,
mediation rather than litigation tends to be beneficial to the whole
family. A mediator will consider a child’s needs first, whereas
attorneys are usually concerned with winning and losing. And when children
are put in the middle of a legal battle, there are no winners.
About the book
In 1985, Sanford Braver, Ph.D. began following more than 1,000 families
in Maricopa County, Ariz. (which includes Phoenix), who had filed for
divorce but whose marriages were not yet dissolved.
His purpose was to put some meat on the bones of the numbers that pointed
to divorced dads as abandoning their children financially and emotionally,
and to find out why this was happening, if it was.
He and his colleagues discovered the numbers were wrong. The Census
Bureau figures that had fueled tough new laws (and expensive bureaucracies)
to enforce child support were based on interviews only with custodial
parents (usually mothers).
Then, too, census researchers combined statistics concerning families
of divorce with those of never-married single parents to create what
Braver calls the myth of deadbeat dads. The author's research demonstrates
that the divorced father's unemployment is the most important factor
in nonpayment of child support.
Among the myths under attack: the "disappearing dad'' who initiates
the divorce and then deserts his children; and the widely cited 73 percent
drop in standard of living that divorced mothers and children suffer
(an alleged error in arithmetic by Harvard researcher Lenore Weitzman).
Braver's calculations indicate that post-divorce mothers and fathers
share about the same standard of living, at least in the beginning.
Extract from Kirkus Reviews , July 15, 1998
-- Copyright ©1998, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.
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