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You may want to have as little to do with him as possible. Yet it’s
crucial to encourage your ex-husband to maintain his relationship with
his kids.
Why? Two reasons:
1) It’s better for your kids.
They’ll adjust easier to the divorce and exhibit fewer
behavior problems, impulsiveness, depression, and antisocial tendencies
than children with only one actively involved parent.
2) It’s better for you.
You’ll have some of the parenting responsibility lifted, freeing
up your time and energy to pursue your own interests, hobbies, and career.
“Randy is there legally, actively, and psychologically to back
me up when I need him,” claims Carla, whose ex-husband is actively
engaged in the raising of their daughter. “I can call on him any
time I need.”
It’s not difficult to keep Dad involved. Here’s how:
- Go for joint custody.
This is probably the single best way to keep fathers involved. Fathers
who are awarded joint custody almost always pay all the child support
awarded, according to a major study. The reason for this is simple:
the father is being told that he matters to his kids, and that he is
still a real father, with the rights of that status, not just the responsibility.
- Put your anger aside.
As angry and hurt as Susan, a New York magazine editor was,
she never let that become an issue over her ex-husband Kerry’s
involvement as a father. “For all the ugliness between us, I kept
my head clear about the kids,” Susan emphasizes. “I never
stood in his way of having access to the children because I knew how
much the kids needed their father.”
- Let your ex-husband parent in his own way.
“Many women overtly prevent fathers from parenting,” says
prominent psychologist John Gray, Ph.D. “They will do all sorts
of things to prevent the father from taking charge of the children,
then they’ll turn around and say the father doesn’t participate.”
It may take all your effort to keep your lips zipped when it comes to
your husband’s parenting decisions, but as long as he does not
endanger your child, keep your comments to yourself.
- Include him in your child’s everyday life.
“I made sure he saw the kids’ report cards,’ says
Susan. “We went to parent-teacher conferences together, although
at first, we’d get into fights with each other.” After Kerry
moved down south because of his ailing health, Susan continued to keep
him involved beyond periodic visits by encouraging him to call the kids
several times a week. And she made sure to reciprocate. “If something
great happened to either one of the kids, like winning a Little League
game, I’d say, “Let’s call Dad” she recalls.
Susan’s efforts paid off for both her and her children. “When
the children reached their teens, they became increasingly difficult,”
she admits. “Kerry would often act as a mediator. He would tell
me what he felt about the situation and then we’d form a plan
of action. He really earned his stripes as a parent during those years.”
And the children did much better as a result.
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