Existential mindfulness: "You become what you do".
How we define ourselves by the choices we make

I could have written "We are what we do", which is simpler. I didn't, because that sentence could be read to mean that we cannot change who we are. And that is certainly not what I'd like to communicate. In fact, the point I'd like to make is how we keep building who we are through our actions. I'd like to communicate this point through a metaphor.

A metaphor for fow we keep reinforcing who we are

Forty-some years ago, a Russian scientist started an experiment. From a sample of rats, he separated the tamer ones from the more aggressive ones, and he bred them selectively in order to accentuate the differences.

Has this worked? A New York Times article quotes a researcher: “Imagine the most evil supervillain and the nicest, sweetest cartoon animal, and that’s what these two strains of rat are like.” The mild ones are cuddly and want to be petted. The wild ones are ferocious and scream when they see visitors.

The goal of the experiment was to recreate, over a relatively short period of time, the process through which wild animals were tamed by humans.

You may wonder why I am writing about this. Well, I see this as a very powerful metaphor. Think of this story as two “before – after” pictures. In the “before” picture, is a homogeneous population of rats. In the “after” picture, we see two vastly different populations, as different from each other as day is from night. All of this happened within a relatively small time span.

If you just see the “before” and “after” pictures, you may be puzzled as to why rats from the same initial stock ended up so different. The explanation: This difference is the result of a series of decisions. For each successive generation, when it came time to breeding, the researchers adopted a consistent strategy: wilder with wilder, milder with milder.

Now, I’d like to use this story as a metaphor for how we reinforce who we are. Moment by moment, we have a choice:
- We can automatically keep opting for our “default” mode, which we do when we're not conscious that there is the possibility of making a choice. The more we do so, the more strongly entrenched the “default” mode.
- Or we consider the possibility of branching out to something new. We make the decision to stay on default mode, or to do something different, in a conscious way. This is proactive change.

Making decisions: Defining moments

We all have difficult decisions to make. Some decisions can be simply agonizing. It helps to not just see the decision as a difficult moment, but also as an opportunity for a defining moment.

What makes such a moment scary is that you are taking an irreversible step that will affect your circumstances. And what makes this scary is also what makes it so rich in potential.

Making a decision is like making a clean break, it is a moment of possibility that defines the Self—who you are and what you do.

At the same time, it helps to remember that, because a decision involves cutting off one possible future in order to make another happen, there is an inherent sense of loss when making a decision.

Seen in this perspective, facing a difficult decision becomes a doorway to heightened self awareness. You see the process of making a decision as a moment where you must articulate or bring to consciousness who you want to be.

As you ponder the decision, you are addressing deeper questions as well: "Who Am I? What Do I want? What is right for me?" And, as you do so, you experience a new sense of Self.

The Self is not a thing. It is an active choice. You are more acutely aware of yourself during and after a difficult decision.

It is also helpful to remember that a big decision is not just a logical process. Of course, the decision-making process involves rational thinking, including weighing a list of pros and cons. But ultimately, and often unconsciously, the actual choice stems from a gut reaction.

The real processing happens when the whole Self is engaged, not only the intellect but also the gut. This is when you break through from the endless loop of "On the one hand..." immediately followed by "On the other hand...". Eventually, a shift happens, and you feel it in a bodily way: From a nervous, restless, anxious scurrying to a sense of calm and peace about what you have decided.

See also:

- Mindfulness definition, how to experience mindfulness,

- Mindulness, therapy and creative growth

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