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Turn Insight Into Action: ProactiveChange.com/psychotherapy |
The 5 - or 7 - stages of grief & the grieving process |
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In her book “On Death and Dying”, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described a type of emotional journey among people who are facing death. Since she wrote this book, the model has been found to apply as well, for many people, to other major losses. Typically, the seven (7) stages of grief are described as: Sometimes, people speak of five (5) stages of grieving, putting together: This is not a mechanistic model -- the stages do not occur the same way for all people; they can last very little time, or a lor of time; and they can be inter-related. Typically, the first reaction to news of impending doom is shock or disbelief, followed by denial – it’s not true, it can’t possibly happen to me, there must be a mistake–this kind of thing only happens to others, doesn’t it? Elisabeth Kübler-Ross observed that facing the reality of death leads people to feel very angry, resentful, rageful. This is so unfair! What do people do when they keep bumping their heads against the seeming invincibility of their opponent? This is the time for unrealistic bargaining – I’ll give you this, and you’ll give me what I want. There’s nothing wrong about bargaining – when it is based on offering the other party something they might really be interested in. It may not be very realistic to try to bargain with natural forces, illness, death… Guilt is a way of making sense of what is happening, of regaining some form of control over the uncontrollable: “It must be my fault”. Once the reality of death sets in, the patients feel overwhelmed, they become depressed. All resistance is futile. Anger, unrealistic bargaining, depression… this is our struggle against “real” problems in the outside world, but also against our own inner demons. Some dying people eventually reach a stage where they are fully aware of impending death, and neither angry nor depressed about it. They accept it. Acceptance of reality need not be synonymous with capitulation, humiliating defeat. There is a difference between accepting what is inescapable – like death, when you’re dying – and cowardly surrendering when you could have fought more. And acceptance need not mean losing your integrity – it can sometimes be quite the opposite. Acceptance is not betrayal. Acceptance is about using the lessons we learned in life to come to terms with the realities of the world, on our own terms. See: grief counseling |
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