Codependency vs Interdependence:
Healthy conflict resolution techniques

In codependent relationships, the partners have difficulty being themselves while being in the relationship.

There is a difference between interdependency and codependency.

In any relationship, people are mutually dependent. They experience a conflict between being themselves and being part of a couple. In a healthy relationship, this can be dealt with openly; as a result, both partners can progressively feel more secure in the relationship, more intimate at the same time as they grow as individuals.

With codependency, these issues are more difficult to deal with. Often, they are simply swept under the rug. Or they're dealt with in an atmosphere poisoned by accusations of selfishness. Or one partner finds a way to intimidate the other… As a result, there is a growing backlog of resentment between the spouses.

Imroproving your relationship means dealing squarely with the problems that are making it unravel. This means that you're going to make an effort to overcome the accumulated layers of misunderstandings that exist between the two of you.

It takes a conscious effort to reverse the vicious cycle of miscommunications. But it's well worth the effort.

I will focus here on one of the most powerful dynamics that can create tension in couples. It is the conflict that each person experiences, between the pull to see yourself as part of the couple, and the pull to see yourself as a separate person.

Think of it as a slider on an electronic appliance:
- One end of the slider corresponds to the position where the only thing that counts is the couple;
- The other end of the slider corresponds to the position where the only thing that counts is being a separate person.

Neither of these extreme positions is workable:
- If the only thing that counts is being a couple, you are stifled as a person.
- If the only thing that counts is being separate, then there is not much common ground for being a couple.

So, obviously, the slider is going to have to be some place in between.

In some way, this image of the slider is similar to the idea of trying to get to a compromise. But this is a different notion of compromise than the one we're accustomed to.

All too often, we think of as a compromise as a measure that is some way in-between what each of you wants... This means it will frustrate both of you because it's not what either of you really wants!

This notion of compromise is very much related to the idea that you are in an adversarial position: You are at a stalemate, and each of you has to give up something because the other person forces them to.

Trying to find the "right" compromise on the issue is not necessarily going to be much help for the underlying emotional problem.

What's going to be more helpful is to experience that there is a place where you can feel empathy without losing yourself. In other words: a way that you can pay attention to your partner's needs without your needs being trampled.

From that place where there is both love and strength, both of you can feel yourself be emotionally in tune. You can find agreements without losing yourself. And dealing with conflicts is going to feel like something that strengthens your relationship, instead of threatening it.

See also:

- Codependency symptoms

- Audio about couples communication skills.

- Self-Help: Couples Communication Exercises.

- Couples counseling.

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