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Holidays and the special family gatherings that often accompany them
can create a joy-filled time of year. For children of divorce, however,
they often represent increased anxiety. The first Christmas or Hanukkah
in which parents are apart may bring tears as well as laughter. Such
celebrations are high in emotional content, with layers of memory and
high expectations producing anticipations that may not be met. Only
one thing is certain – the holidays will not be the same as they
were when the family was intact.
Although a certain amount of grieving is necessary in the beginning,
the holidays can still be enjoyable. Trying to reproduce the old traditions
is doomed to fail. The absence of one parent will be even more acutely
felt in an activity that has always included them in the past. New traditions
are needed. This can become an opportunity to reinvent the joy in special
events. Search for new ideas in parenting magazines and books from the
library. Making a special food treat, going caroling at a nursing home,
feeding the animals at the zoo, taking a sleigh ride, having an ornament
making session, sharing a bonfire in the snow to roast marshmallows
or starting a holiday scrapbook together may become a new ritual for
your changed but still strong family. Involve the children in selecting
activities to try out. Noncustodial parents, particularly, need to provide
special customs unique to their own household so that the holidays remain
a rich experience for children when they visit the less-seen parent.
Sometimes, parents attempt to conduct a special occasion as if they
were still together. Both parents attend the opening of presents on
Christmas morning in the hope of not spoiling the moment for the child.
Unfortunately, this usually creates unrealistic hopes that their parents
will reconcile, or increases sadness that parents will never really
be together again. In spite of your best intentions, the children may
feel tense because they fear conflicts will erupt between parents, even
if they never actually do.
Should you buy a gift for your child to give to their other parent?
Giving to people we love is a positive quality to encourage in our children,
but the gift should truly come from them. Perhaps you could assist them
in making something, or provide a small amount of money for Santa’s
Secret Shop at school, or otherwise subsidize a child-sized gift. The
gift should be selected by the child, however, and should not reflect
your adult perspective or personal knowledge and past relationship with
the parent.
This time of year often causes conflicts between parents as they attempt
to accommodate to both families’ gatherings and activities. Flexibility
is in the child’s best interest, so that they aren’t cut
off from family memories that may later be important. Start early to
propose any alteration in parenting time that may be necessary. Good
communication and a willingness to be generous, for your child’s
sake, are needed. Exchanging parenting time to allow participation may
be the best gift you will give your child this holiday.
Thalia Ferenc, MSW, MA, CSW is a
psychotherapist in Kentwood, MI. She is a Diplomate of Clinical Forensic
Counseling and works on parenting plans and coordination, as well as
child custody evaluations. See website.
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